Narcissists need a source of fuel to supply their damaged ego with the venom that they operate on. This fuel is in the form of control-over.
I call it “control-over” because control is not necessarily a bad or damaging characteristic in a relationship. Individuals need a good amount of self-control, and the ability to relinquish this at times. In this way we can develop a give-and-take relationship.
With a narcissist(N) there is no such flow. The N demands full control by manipulating the entire reality, the Whole of the relationship. History is rewritten; lies are craftily devised. Try to compliment an N and it will be twisted and tossed back to the supplier as a negative statement.
Sadly, these relationships are very common and on the rise. There is much focus on the Narcissist, and not as much on the victims of these personalities. I say “victim” because that is the inevitable stance of the Other (O). When the N is a parent or child, it is often necessary to greatly distance oneself, a difficult task. There is also what I call “maintenance therapy” which allows a person to learn the tools to maintain their Sanity while in the presence of an N.
So let’s focus instead on the healing process. Like any addiction, the first step is to admit that YOU have a problem; and that is the inability to exit a relationship which you know is healthy. Frequently people say “it is killing me”… Then, when we make the first move to get well, well we hurt even more!! This is because the first step is to stop ALL contact with the N. **ALL**. …. . Frequently this takes months to accomplish. Again, like any addiction, we will fall off the wagon and be lured to engage in contact with the N.
Ideally, a person just stops 100% of contact. There is no need to announce what you are doing; as a matter of fact, in doing that we are supplying the N with fuel to twist our minds around further. So it goes beyond the “need” to tell him/her your plan. It is imperative that you just do it!
How? My sincere suggestion is to find an excellent clinician to help you with this. With step 1, step 2 …. the process. It is long and challenging. You have to maintain faith that the other side of this sick, toxic thing you’ve been calling “love” is a healthier, calmer, safer and warmer place to be in your heart.
That’s all for now. To each and every one of you in a relationship with a Narcissist, begging to know that YOU are NOT the problem. It is ok to be the healthy one.
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