When we hook onto, get hooked into, a narcissistic relationship, there is the option of ending it. Yes, it takes a whole lot of work, pain, growth and MORE, but we know the relationship is optional.
But what about when the N is a family member? How do we cope with this? And, since male and females communicate so different in many ways, what are the differences in how we need to change our communication/behaviors to maintain our own Sanity.
That is what I call this necessary work: “Maintenance Therapy”. So when we have a Narcissist who is actually connected to us by blood, most people don’t want to totally END this relationship but have it work out. Well, that won’t happen, but we can learn how to protect ourselves from the venom that Narcissists bite with and not catch the twisted mind ourselves.
Let’s start with a Narcissistic Sister (NS). This would be the controlling one; the liar who makes you the Bad Guy 110% of the time. She is frequently favored by the parent(s). She loves you deeply one minute and bites you the next. The one who is charming and everyone else loves; like most N’s, the NS doles out her poison in private for the most part. She will play with you as a child/shop and socialize with you as a teen, and then tell you years later that any of these things never happened. Or make up other versions of your memories/reality. This girl played all the family against you, typically with blatant lies and long-tales.
She grooms you as a child in a way similar to how Sexual Perpetrators coax their prey.
Narcissistic Sisters appear self-contained but they are bursting at the seams with envy. Their goal is to be a Sole Sister (SS) and turn the parent(s) and other family members away from you. They usually succeed in doing this since the Victim Sister (VS) has no sense of Self and very little Self Esteem. When attempting to defend herself, the VS is gobbled up by the Narcissist and the very defense becomes a source of the Narcissist’s supply. Usually a NS can talk more eloquently than the queen.
How do we get our strength? How do we get the ground back beneath us after years of abuse we thought was love? Frequently the Victim Sister (and other family members, too) may not have ever had the opportunity to develop a strong sense of their Self, since the NS started molding this at birth (more First Borns are narcissists than subsequent children – but statistically, more Only Child persons of both genders have Narcissistic Personalities).
A first step is in allowing yourself to believe that YOU ARE OK! You are NOT the problem, as you’ve been told by the NS and the rest of the family. Take that step to be strong enough to have a clear sense of the ground beneath you and begin the healing journey.
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